Do you remember the time.......?

Do you remember that huge fight we had, where we were in the living room arguing, and I ran into the bedroom crying, and so long after, you ran in there and you tried to hold me but I just kept begging you to stop touching me, and you were crying at the top of your lungs and promising that you'll change, but you had said that before and so I ran away from you and went back to the couch and fell asleep crying.....

You didn't change.
I knew you wouldn't and I told you so.
I had felt you pulling away from the relationship since long before.
And when you took so long to come in the room, I knew that we would end soon.
That was right before I had my root canal.
That was in November of 2006.
You didn't change.
All of our fights afterwards, were because you stopped caring, and you didn't even try to hide it.
You blame my being fat, not currently having a job, and me being sick and tired of picking up after you, when you won't even acknowledge it or thank me for it---You blame me. You tell me that those are the reasons why you broke up with me. That I don't hang with your family who won't even put away their stupid fucking dogs so I can see them for five minutes. That I can't stand your mother who you told me put you through so much hell, and ruined your childhood.

You blame me for your selfishness.

You posted on your site: niceguysvoid.blogspot.com , that you need to curb your spending habits--but you only got worse. I wanted to help you. I thought you cared about our future--the future you promised me 4 months into our relationship. You told me it was your money only--when we had decided long ago that we needed to save together. I did everything I could to share whatever I had--including resources--anything, with you. Nothing is ever good enough for you, though. Not unless it costs a lot of money.

On top of everything you did/didn't do during our relationship, you blame me for its failure--yet you stopped being apart of it long ago. And I've been trying to live with your abandonment since.......

You Asshole.

You have raped my sense of self.
You have raped my ability to be happy.
You have raped my life.
You are despicable.
You won't even let me have the things that I paid for.
I don't want this jewelery that you gave me instead of loving me.
I want my things.
I want the things that hold value in my eyes, and in my heart.
I want the things that are mine--the things you never cared about until you threw me away.
You are the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I just want my stuff back.
All of it.
You refuse to be a man and treat me like a human being.
I have never been so hurt in my life.
I did nothing wrong.
You neglected me for years--yet I still stood by you, supported you, loved you, gave you my past, my present, and promised my future.
I was ALWAYS there for you.
If times got that rough, I would have worked three jobs at fast food joints, just to help keep us afloat.
You try and blame me for the dissolution of "Us"--but I know better.
You are a superficial, pathetic loser.
You are just like everybody else.
You aren't loyal.
You don't have integrity.
You are unloving.
You are selfish.
YOU ARE KENNETH.
YOU ARE LAURA.
YOU ARE KEITH.
YOU ARE DARREN.
Thankfully, I will never be yours again.

I Just.......

sent him a text saying "I miss you."
want him to love me.
want things to go back to the way they were.
want him to remember all the things he used to say to me.
want him to keep the promises he made.
want him to stop doing this.
need a hug.
need someone to talk to. (once everybody that I talk to heard that I got dumped, they stopped talking to me)
wish I had someone to love me.
wish I believed in hope and love, still.
don't want to be lonely.

want to die.

I Love You The Mostest And I Win.

I wear socks to bed now.
I used to make sure that my feet were clean and sockless, before we went to bed every night.
I hated wearing socks when we were in bed together, because as I fell asleep, I would rub my bare feet on his hairy legs.
I used to revel in the feel of his legs on my feet.
For me it solidified the fact that we were together--how things should be.

Things are not as they should be.
We both sleep alone now.

We're in this together now.......

That's what he used to say.
Like it meant something.
How can someone fill someone else with so much hope for the future, and then crush their hopes and dreams so readily?
I can't afford to hope anymore.
Hope is foolish.
I was a fool, and I paid the price.
Forced to endure the cruelness of reality, the fraility of humanity, the bleakness of existence.....
by the one who was suppossed to be "The One."
I know I can't make him love me--I will forever remain alone in my eternal love.
I just wish there was some way to make him come back to me.
I wait with open arms and a broken heart.

Dear God, How I Wish.......

Sometimes, when I've not yet succumbed to the feeling of full-on despair, I feel (for naught more than a moment, really) like I'm just waiting for him to get home. I feel like I'm just visiting my dad for a bit to spend some time.
I hate reality.
It's far too harsh and unforgiving.
Reality, being that it is a concept--rather than a randomly animate thing, is incapable of having compassion or mercy.
I want fantasy to be reality.
He is my fantasy--he was my reality.
He disregarded my fantasy--he destroyed my reality.

And yet, I would readily hold him in my arms.
I would 'take him back' immediately--although I've told him otherwise.
Can he still see through me?
Can he see through this facade that I try to persuade him with?

I feel more alone now--than ever.
I need him more now, than ever.
I will be his, forever.
He would have me--never.

Don't you see?

The world is so cruel.
Life is so hard.
Why should we go through it alone?

I love him so much. I wish he would take me back. I would do anything...

I try so hard to be tough--to be strong when he comes by to drop of my stuff, or when we talk on the phone to decide how to cancel accounts we held together...
But I'm broken inside.
I cry every day and every night.
I miss him so bad.
I don't understand why he doesn't love me anymore.
I've never been so sad.
I don't know how to go on.
I love him so much. I want to be good enough for him.
Even with his faults, I still accepted him--wholeheartedly.
I still would.....

I want to call him and tell him that I love him--but what kills me is knowing, without a doubt, that he wouldn't answer the phone because it's ME calling.
I want to apologize for being snappish and short with him, the last time we saw eachother.
I was just trying so hard to mask the pain at seeing him happy without me in his life.

How?!

Someone told me today, that I need to move forward. This person told me that I need to let go of my past. What if my past is the reason my present exists? What if my past is the reason that I exist? I don't know how to go on, when the one I love--above all others, is happy that I am not a part of his life anymore. I feel despair; I feel like I've hit rock-bottom. There are too many clouds in the way. Too many clouds, and I'm blinded to the sky above. Although I feel like it would show me nothing but an expanse of bleak-blackness, if I could see it.
How can he do this to someone he "loves so much"?
I can't stop loving him.

Is it me?

I'm sitting here, wondering why such things have come to pass.
I wonder how carelessness and lovelessness can manifest themselves without warning--was I warned?! Did I deny it?
Maybe I did.
I guess I just wanted him to love me, as I loved him.
I don't know how to live life, when the one whom I would give anything to have in my arms again, doesn't love me at all.
I'm so confused and sad and lost...
How can this even be real?
I wish I could wake up and find him snoring peacefully next to me; I know that I will never wake up next to him again.
Oh God! how I LOVE him!

The Death of Me.

It's a bit past midnight, my despair is my blanket.
Who gives? At this point, NO ONE.
I had thought I could deal--why am I not what is wanted?!
Oh, how I wish I could overturn the hourglass; alas my strength ran aground.....
I've already sunk--I wish I could get on with the drowning.