Dear God, How I Wish.......

Sometimes, when I've not yet succumbed to the feeling of full-on despair, I feel (for naught more than a moment, really) like I'm just waiting for him to get home. I feel like I'm just visiting my dad for a bit to spend some time.
I hate reality.
It's far too harsh and unforgiving.
Reality, being that it is a concept--rather than a randomly animate thing, is incapable of having compassion or mercy.
I want fantasy to be reality.
He is my fantasy--he was my reality.
He disregarded my fantasy--he destroyed my reality.

And yet, I would readily hold him in my arms.
I would 'take him back' immediately--although I've told him otherwise.
Can he still see through me?
Can he see through this facade that I try to persuade him with?

I feel more alone now--than ever.
I need him more now, than ever.
I will be his, forever.
He would have me--never.